It sneaks up on you and then suddenly, it hits you across your head.
Depression is a bitch.
You have a perfect life…well, to the outsiders. What they don’t see is the internal struggle for happiness going on inside you at all times.
You can’t really explain it, you just know that you aren’t you. You’re in a fog, fighting to be free.
It’s kind of funny. It’s so en vogue to say “I’m SOOO depressed” but the people saying that have no idea. They don’t get how difficult it is to get out of bed and function. They don’t understand the rage and outbursts that occur more frequently as the days go by. Or the fact that the slightest thing can set off a crying attack.
So do “x”, do “y”, do “z” they say. Don’t you think it’s been tried? Or you hear “you should really get off those meds” so you do and 6 months later, you’re back to wanting to run.
But run where? You have no where to go.
So you shop, but that just makes you feel worse because what if you go broke? What’s going to be said to you the next time a budget is done? Oh my God, I don’t want to turn into one of those hoarders!
So then you want to cry out, to ask for help…but the help you really need isn’t there. And the people you’ve relied on for so long are tired of you. And every word you say gets turned against you, so you learn to just shut up.
Then you slap on a facade. Pretend everything is hunky-dory while you’re slowly drifting away.
The thoughts are just flowing. “Oh dear, you’re so fat.” “Jesus, get off your ass and do something!” “Your children are suffering because you are the laziest person alive!” “What we’re you thinking? You can’t do this!” And on and on and on.
And you can’t shut them off.
And you find yourself about to lose it.
It’s a never ending cycle and you want to get off. But this is a ride that never stops. So you just keep trying to maintain that perfect life facade you’ve gotten so good at but you realize that it’s only a matter of time before the cracks start to appearing.
“Your life is perfect” they say.
Oh, if they only knew.
*I’m okay. Just struggling.